SUPERFLUOUS: Natural Gas By Nan Ressue

Word Count 434

Natural Gas
By Nan Ressue

My daughter Jeanne married a man from Arkansas and lived there for ten years. During those
southern days, she was indoctrinated with the idea that a normal diet contains beans on a regular
basis. Consequently, this led to the problem of natural gas production and how to successfully
deal with it in various situations.
My son- in-law, who is no longer a family member, was observed adding baking soda to a pot of
boiling beans, claiming that this solved the problem and I could enjoy the southern diet with no
qualms. Unfortunately for them, this was not the case. He also claimed having a fastidious
friend who pricked each bean as it was cooking which had the same effect as the soda in his
opinion. We didn’t get around to trying this. Superfluous servings became moderate as the
modus operandi.
My ex, who also is no longer with us to verify the following information, claimed that as teenage
boys living in a small rural community, they had limited entertainment options. On one
particularly slow night, they each consumed a dictated amount of beans, played cards until
digestion was accomplished and then lit the results with a zippo lighter as it exited the body.
Blue flames and laughter were both important parts of this memorable evening.
Compulsive bean eaters who show no constraint have been known to both Yankees and southern
types. These are the individuals who are groaning with agony, arms wrapped around their middle
parts, and usually bent over double. These are the bean addicts who need an immediate, expert
remedy for an acute situation. Fortunately, there are many of us who have studied first aid
techniques who are prepared to jump to their feet and apply a comfort restoring procedure. It’s
called the Heimlich technique and has been universally praised. Although originally designed for
dislodging blocks in the trachea, it has been proven to be effective for natural gas relief.
Before you assume this stress relieving position, let me remind you that this is a Tag Team sport
where two people are required for proper execution. Who shall we choose to stand behind the
agonized victim and squeeze his belly with clenched fists? Your worst enemy? Your best friend
who you will probably lose? Your least favorite in-law?
Another required preliminary would be to o btain the services of medical personnel. The
Heimlich technician will most assuredly pass out and will need immediate assistance.
Now who do we have who is willing to provide this valuable service? Step right up…Don’t be

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