Word Count 379
By Nan Ressue
It’s going to be tomorrow and I’m wondering if it came too soon. I thought I was ready, thoughtfully, painstakingly prepared. I realize that it was more for my mind than anything else. There was great concern on everybody’s part; endless interviews, journaling, conversations, just thinking, worrying. I understand the deep concern that the sincerity of the desire be probed, the longing tested for there was no going back. Not even if you were desperately desired it, no return, you had your chance, you have chosen.
I’ve known for a long time that I was in the wrong body. That uneasy feeling that you don’t really belong and there is a deep aching feeling of not having something crucial that has left a big burning hole with curling black edges inside your gut.. I was never interested in accomplishing what I was supposed to. You know what I mean…, the development of strength, confidence, with aggressive approaches. Instead, there I was, quietly trying to claw my way to that place no one suspected, longing for softness, sweet aroma, beautiful colors, the curve of flesh, the lust of new encounters.
I broke my wife’s heart into fragments of pain, so sharp and infitesimal that it will never heal. I did so yearn with my whole soul to be like other men that I thought the closest possible relationship with a woman would bend my inclinations. Now she knows what the truth is and feels betrayed beyond description. How is it possible to offer another person love and devotion when its foundation is built on deception? She is gone now and that aching empty space is filled with remorse.
There will be mutilation required to accomplish this next goal as I stand at the liminal, ready for the next chapter in my life. There will be ridicule and humiliation to endure and surmount. There will be my soul searing lonely search for friends who will be more interested in knowing my heart than the shape of my body.
I will waste no more of this precious life time and will begin to strive for the courage to make my remaining years happy and fulfilling as my new sister self.
Tomorrow is here and I am ready.