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HEALTH DEPARTMENT WARNS OF INVADING SPECIES
Good evening Central New York. This is your announcer, Lyle Boseley , reporting from WKTV, Utica, New York with current news of interest to all householders in Central New York.
A federal pilot project is underway to study a recently reported invasive species detected in upstate New York’s homes as described in last month’s public service bulletin. It is described as a small, mucus covered slug which enters the household via the plumbing, first invading singly and then in colonies. They have an intense addiction for human earwax and will probably be first detected in your shower, seeking out those individuals with lush accumulations.
Officials recommend two circles of double sticky tape around your waist to confine them to the navel area.
Studies have shown that these animals can be retrained to reject ear wax and develop a taste for belly button lint. Also proven is that their route to the ear can be redirected to the navel area once they encounter the sticky tape barrier. Once a preference for the alternate product has been developed and they consume their fill, they become buoyant and specimens can be gathered for further study.
Be aware that negotiations may be required with individuals who have been previously saving belly button lint for pillow making.
Householders willing to participate in this pilot study should call the Health and Human Services Department at the White House.202-456-1111.
This has been a public service announcement.